Free to Be Nothing but Us
by StrangeBlueThings
Summary: Coda to 5x3 Instead of spitting it back out, Sam drank the blood and has to face the consequences on his own. Or so he thinks. pretty much broken Winchester brothers and how they drag each other back, no matter how hard it gets. Oneshot.


Hey there guys :)

I haven't been writing in a pretty long time so please don't kill me if it's a little... confusing and chaotic.

Coda to "Free to be you and me" 5x3

Hope you like it :)

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_**Free to Be Nothing but Us**_

„Monster." Sam mumbled, though at this point Dean didn't even know if this was his brother talking in there or something else entirely. His eyes were glazed over, unfocused. Dead. A sudden fear overcame Dean. Overwhelming, crushing fear that he'd lost Sam for good this time.

"Sammy?" He asked tentative, hoping against all odds that he would just snap out of it and be his Sam again. He found him kneeling, trembling in his own and his victims' blood and all he could think was no he didn't he didn't _not Sammy! _  
Dean stared, frozen to the spot and remembered the phone call from only minutes before.

_Before_

"D'n?"

Drip.

Drip.

Drip

"_Dammit_ Sam, What is it now? I told you not to ca– "

"Dean."

Drip.

A breathy whisper, barely audible over the poor connection of the phone.

"You were right. All along." That got Deans attention. They hadn't agreed on anything in the past couple of months. Sams' tone of voice lessened the little song of triumph in his head though.

"Well, I always am, but what about?" He couldn't quite suppress his agitation. Worried or not, it was four a.m., he was tired as fuck and didn't really have the nerve to listen to his little brothers' brooding right now.

"About me." Came the silent reply.

"I can't change. You know me better than anyone, I should have listened to you. But it's too late now ."

Dean caught his breath. If what Sam said meant what he thought he did then... he couldn't find a non-soul crushing end to that notion. No matter what he promised his father, even if Sam turned out to be the Devil himself he wouldn't be able to kill him. He'd rather die himself.

"Sam, wha– "

"I'm weak. I won't – " A sharp intake of breath and a slow, defeated exhale. "Dean I'm so sorry. I swore to myself I'd never let you down again and yet. . ." He trailed off, unable to explain, to make his brother understand that there was nothing left for Dean to save. Sam curled his fist around the phone and clenched his eyes shut, begging himself to just hold on for a minute longer so he could listen to his brothers voice again for one last time, before...  
He barely heard the mirrors behind him break under the pressure of his emotions going haywire, but obviously Dean had.

"What was that? Sam? Are you in danger? What the hell is going on?" The hitch in his big brothers voice made him bite back on a sob. He didn't deserve Deans concern. Not anymore.

Not ever again.

He laughed humorlessly and wiped a bloody hand down his face to get rid of the wetness on his cheeks, or at least replace it with something that would suit him better than those last drops of humanity squeezing out of him. Things like him didn't cry. Couldn't. Things like him didn't _feel_.

"The only dangerous _thing_ in the room is me, Dean." The malice behind that tiny word made Dean shrink back for a moment. This wasn't Sams' usual moping tone. Actually, he couldn't remember if he had ever heard his little brother talk like that.

"You deserve better. I'll make it better, I promise you'll never have to be disappointed in me again."

"Okay, just – Hold on for a second Sam. Just tell me where you are and I'll come get you, alright?" The frantic tone Sammys' voice had taken on didn't reassure Dean one bit.

"No. No I – I have to do this now Dean and I don't want you to see. I can't – just... promise me you'll make sure I can't come back? I know I don't deserve any promises but you have to make sure I don't ever come back, okay? Please." His voice broke on the last word.

Panic gripped Deans' heart and choked him, making it difficult to talk.

"NO! Sam, whatever you're about to do, don't! Please Sammy don't do this to me just tell me where the hell you are and we'll get you through this, please, I'm sorry I let you leave just like that I should've – "

"Dean. . .It's better that way, for all of us. I'm not– I am..." Even though he tried, he couldn't hold back the sob that ripped through him. Resolution found his way into his pounding head. He had to do this _now _before he lost it completely.

"I'll never forget what you've done for me. Goodbye Dean."

_Click._

Dean will remember the sound of that final click for the res of his life. The sound his nightmares will surely revolve about in the future, if there was much future left anyway. He had stared at the receiver for quite some time, or so he thought, paralyzed with … He didn't even know. This has always been his greatest fear. Probably his only fear, too. Losing Sam. Not being able to save him. Failing him. He knew for certain that if Sammy were to die tonight, alone, without him by his side, he'd follow right after him. His warrior heart would simply not be able to keep pumping the essential liquid to his organs, because his reason, his cause for living at all would be gone.

Before he knew what he was doing he had dialed Cas' number and downright screamed at him to _goddamn _search every corner within a 200 miles radius for Sam or he'll live to regret it. It took approximately 12.5 seconds for the Angel to find his little brother and whoosh him to the Bar he'd found Sam in.

_Now_

By the amount of blood on the floor you would assume that at least five people must've died in that spot. But there were only three, and one of them – though the most drenched – was alive. The back of Sams' head was dripping red liquid, as did an exit wound on his back. Dean sank to his knees in front of his brother, sluggishly noticing the round hole in his brothers jacket, right over his heart and the 45. in his right hand. If he had been in his right mind he would've been able to put those two things together but there was nothing except fear.

Dean had seen his brother in a lot of different states: grieving, furious, tired, depressed, happy, traumatized, empty, overwhelmed, doped up on demon blood, injured, unconscious... even deathly still, for a few days at least. But this was a whole new row of emotions on the younger Winchesters face.

He was humming, he noticed. At first he didn't recognize the melody. A broken tune, so familiar goosebumps chased the skin of Deans shuddering form. Hey Jude.

The song their mother used to sing to him when he woke up crying from a nightmare. The song Mary hummed to baby Sammy while gently rocking him to sleep in her arms.

Sam was trying to calm himself. All by himself.

That snapped Dean right out of his … whatever.

"Sam? Sammy?" the humming continued, though it was more frantic now. Dean felt his heart crack under his breastbone, the sharp edges cutting at the flesh underneath until breathing became wheezing, and even that was difficult to maintain. He felt the need to lay his head in his brothers lap, curl up in the puddle of blood and die along with his brother. Because that's what happened while Cas had been searching for him. Sam had killed himself – didn't try to, didn't contemplate it but actually killed himself, twice from what it looked like – and he had been alone and Dean should have never let him go away like that.

He wanted to say so much; ask so many things but one question popped out of his mouth before he could force it shut.

"How are you alive Sam?"

He had to wait until he finished humming before he got a response.

"Lucifer." was all he got.

"What about Lucifer Sam?" He still hadn't looked up, his gaze was fixed on the gun in his lap.

"I'm his vessel." Somehow, that didn't surprise Dean as much as it should have. Made his blood freeze alright but it was a big difference between assuming and_ knowing _your brother was destined to help the Devil toast the world. "Looks like there's someone who'd actually benefit from me being alive after all."

"Sam." He couldn't bear the emptiness in Sams voice, the not looking up, the humming, the blood, everything. He just couldn't bear any of this anymore. But he had to, for his brother he had to. And he would.

"Look at me." Sam shook his head once.

"Sam." He took his brothers chin in his hand and forced his head up. Didn't do much though, Sams eyes were as empty as his voice, glazed over like he didn't see anything that was going on in front of him anyway. He gripped his jaw harder until brown eyes strained to fix on green ones.

"What happened here?"

"They..." He pointed at the corpses with the gun. "They made me drink. Said they'd kill the girl if I wouldn't, that I had to help them with a few demons. Wanted me to exorcise them. So they made me drink and I – "

"You what?" His voice was unsteady.

"I could've spit if back out Dean. But I didn't... didn't want to. I was so angry and they didn't get out fast enough and then I. . ." Sams voice grew thinner by the second, panic and realization settling in. " – I ripped them apart."

Sam flung forward suddenly, clutching his brothers Jacket between his fists, burying his head in his neck and then he cried. In between sobs he apologized for being weak and failing to kill himself and for being so, so unbelievably scared for himself and more importantly _of_ himself. While he cried Dean held him, tucked his head further down his neck and put his chin on top of his broken brothers head, all the while humming their mothers lullaby. He was there now, Sam didn't need to take care of himself anymore, because Dean decided that he would never, never leave his brothers side ever again for as long as he lived. He silently cried with him, for him, over him, for everything his little brother had to go through, for every time he hadn't believed in him or hurt him on purpose, whether verbal or physical.

He had to say something to make it better. Now.

"Shh, Sammy it's okay, it's okay you hear me? I'ma take care of you, we'll fix this together. Together, do you understand? I won't leave you alone again, I promise."

Sam let out a strangled sob, fisted his jacket harder and let the light bulbs over their heads explode, too overwhelmed to keep his powers in check. That's when Cas stepped in.

"Dean," he addressed him cautiously, taking slow steps towards their crumpled forms until the tips of his shoes touched the drying blood on the floor. "We need to get Sam somewhere safe. I fear he'll hurt either of you if we stay here, he can't control himself right now."

He scrubbed a hand over his cheeks and nodded. Gently he cupped his brothers cheeks and raised his head to look at him. Sammy needed to see that his next words were honest, not only to reassure him.

"Listen to me okay? This – is not your fault. I mean it Sammy. They forced it on you and if I had been there I would have killed those bastards myself, you hear me?" Though raw from metaphorically gulping down shards of glass for the last 20 minutes, Deans voice was strong. Sure. Determined.

"We will take you to Bobby's now okay? You'll have to stay in the panic room for a few days until the blood is out of your system, but – " At the mention of the panic room Sams eyes filled with panic again and he started shaking his head, scrambling to get away from his brother, afraid to be alone in that godforsaken room to endure endless hours of hallucinations and pain until he passed out or died. "No, no I can't no – "

Dean gripped his cheeks tighter. "Listen to me Sammy, you won't be going in there alone, okay? I'm going to be there until it's over. I won't leave you again, I swear on everything we've got left I'm not gonna leave you to fight this alone." Sam stared, wide eyed, disbelieving.

A moment passed and he asked Dean "Why?"  
He had to smile at that. "You're my brother Sam. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, got that? Absolutely nothing."

Castiel shifted behind them.

"Come on Sammy." He helped him up and slung an arm over his not-so-little little brothers shoulder to keep him from pitching forward. "Ready when you are Cas."

"Thank you Dean." The soft exhale of air caressed his neck and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again they stood in Bobby's kitchen, while the startled man of the house scrambled to get to his feet. "What the hell! are you boys tryin' to give me a heart attack?"

"Hey Bobby." Dean greeted softly. "Guess we need to – " the window cracked and Sam moaned an urgent but weak "Dean" against his brother throat, his head never even lifting in the process.

"Panicroom." The old hunter stated and made his way downstairs, Dean following with a nearly unconscious Sam leaning on his shoulder.

They settled in, Dean folding himself around Sam on the small cot to keep him from shivering. Cas and Bobby left and closed the door behind the brothers. Those were the last remotely peaceful moments they shared before Sam started the agonizing journey through seizures, hallucinations and seemingly unbearable pain.

Dean stayed with him the entire time.

After the worst was over Sam told him the pain hadn't been unbearable after all, with his brother by his side.

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Please review and let me know what you think! I need critique to get me into all this stuff again please


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